Gwynnie is no Gyno

I was tucked into a cozy booth within a quaint restaurant away from the bustle of the weekend in the middle of Sundance Square noshing on appetizers and sipping my altitude-enhanced second glass of Merlot when I looked up and noticed an almost ethereal woman walking towards me.

She was statuesque (much taller than she appeared on the big screen) with sleek straight golden locks and perfectly peach skin that was un-weathered by the frosty evening. She had on a casual, yet lux, army green cashmere coat with a fur collar atop dark denim skinny jeans and when she passed our booth our eyes briefly met and she looked down, but slightly turned her lips up in pleasant acknowledgement of the smile that I had given her. She was effortlessly gorgeous, cool, and chic. She appeared to be the epitome of class that I had always pegged her for her, ever since I watched her walk up and down the streets of New York City in a monochromatic wardrobe and riding boots playing opposite of Michael Douglas in A Perfect Murder.

Gwyneth Paltrow is beautiful. Gwyneth Paltrow comes from a family of talent and grace. Gwyneth Paltrow is fashionable. Gwyneth Paltrow is poised. Gwyneth Paltrow is an amazing actress. But Gwyneth Paltrow is not an expert on vaginas. And I wouldn’t take advice from her on what to do with yours, no more than I would cast myself in an Oscar winning film.

She recently spoke on her website GOOP about a service offered at Tikkun Spa in Santa Monica known as the Mugworth V-Steam, “You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” No thanks Gwynnie. If I am in Santa Monica, I rather be at brunch at The Penthouse at the Huntley Hotel.

Let me walk through why this V-Steam, although a catchy name, makes no sense and is an overall bad idea.

1. First of all steam is a term for the gaseous phase of water that forms after water boils, making true steam a temperature greater than 100 degrees Celcius. If it is truly “steam” than this could seriously injure the inside of your vagina.
2. Douching of any kind is never a great idea. The vagina is a self-cleaner, and the self-cleaning relies on the environment of the vag staying in its perfect pH balance. And that occurs when all of the good bacteria are in balance with the bad bacteria. So the number one bad thing that douching can do is wipe out the good guys. And then the next thing you know, bad bacteria or yeast can overgrow, causing an infection.
3. The vagina is not regulating your hormones. Your brain regulates your hormones. Nuff said.
4. Infrared? I Can’t Even. Is this The Matrix?
5. Anything put into your vagina does not have direct access into your uterus. Your cervix, which is the bottom of the uterus, sits in the top of your vagina and it does have a a tiny hole in which menstrual blood comes out, sperm goes in, and that also dilates during labor to allow a baby to come out. But it is too small for something released into your vagina to get up into your uterus unless there is an apparatus going into your uterus helping its entry or it has natural propellers like sperm.

I realize that the counter argument is, “Doctors don’t know everything” and no, we do not. But we know a hell of a lot more about the subjects that we specialize in than the average person, and shockingly in this regard; Gwyneth is average. You wouldn’t have Gwyneth do your taxes, design a bridge, perform brain surgery on you, fix your plumbing or repair your car. So why would you listen to her about what is best for your uterus, vagina and hormones? Doesn’t mean that I don’t respect her as an actress and an overall Goddess. Nor will I forget the day that she kinda smiled at me. I just think that that we need to be careful about the advice that we take from celebrities. Mugworth and all.